It wasn’t until a year or so after I graduated college that the Universe decided it was time for me to stop trying to ‘get by’ under the crushing weight of wanting to be accepted by the world around me.

To this day, I’m not sure what clicked (other than a nudge from the Universe…) but eventually it came time for me to step out of the societal line, so to speak, and start going after what I really wanted. Up until then I didn’t even know what I wanted or that I even had wants, but it turned out that I wanted so much more than what I was giving to myself. I hadn’t bothered with any introspection throughout my entire life but instead was plagued by concern with what others thought of me and, ultimately, I ended up spending so much time pouring over these worries that I had completely lost my way in life.

It sounds so obvious when they say in those Disney Channel specials, “There’s no one else like you- be yourself!” People hear the words and they’re thinking ‘duh’, but it runs so much deeper than that. Like many other things, ‘just be yourself’ is easier said than done. The problem is that those Disney specials frame being yourself as such a passive act, but it’s not.

It’s a fight- a fight to break out of the confines that you’ve known your whole life and to go after what you want and who you want to be with everything you are.

It’s not your fault- it’s human nature.

The need to fit in- with your friends, your family, society- is human nature. It’s ingrained in human beings as a survival instinct. It makes sense if you think about it- people can’t handle being isolated, or alone. We need interaction, and it’d be pretty hard to get that as a social pariah in the olden days.

This is a comforting thought, as it may help you silence the inner blame that you may be placing on yourself. In my past, I’ve placed blame on myself for plenty of things when it comes to this subject matter- not being true to myself (I could feel it even if I didn’t even know who I was yet), unjustly judging people because I was paranoid they were judging me, or being too scared to do what I wanted for fear of disappointing someone. But this idea that caring about what others think about you being human nature, takes a little bit of the pressure off of me when I’m feeling scared to do what I know I want because I know I’m fighting against hundreds of years of the same pattern.

Fuck it: A Philosophy

This phrase is what I have tried to live my life by ever since I decided to take control of my life and well-being. It perfectly sums up- in just two words- how to approach living the life that you want. It may seem abrasive at first glance but, like I said, going after what you want isn’t done ‘gently’… it’s done through time and effort while your ingrained preoccupation with what others think of you goes down kicking and screaming. This philosophy will serve as the backbone of the approaches, which I will go through today, to situations where you feel like you can’t be authentically you.

You have the power!

Before I kick this post off, I want to plant the seed that you have the power to do and be whatever you want in this life (provided that you are not doing yourself or others harm). Expand your mind and remember to always think big, outside of the realm of possibility that can only be seen because you’re up so close. People are just people, opinions are just opinions, and the only thing that really matters is that you’re living your life to the fullest you possibly can, whatever that looks like.

This is obviously much easier said than done, so in this post I’m going to go through several ways you may feel confined to not living a life you love because you’re scared of the world around you rejecting you, along with keys to help you break through those barriers.

A very important disclaimer: I have struggled for a long time with this and, to be clear, I still struggle sometimes. I want you to know, Reader, that it’s okay to still feel afraid sometimes. Ingrained human instinct, remember? The important thing is that you have the tools that you need and that once you do, you do your best to go after what brings you joy every day of your life. Even if you still feel scared sometimes to be who you truly are, nothing else matters as long as you do your best.

Ways You May Feel Barred from Living a Life that You Love & How to Shut Those Fears Down

---

1. Feeling stuck in the throws of familial norms or traditions.

Or, in other words, you feel like you can’t be yourself for fear of disappointing or feeling alienated from your family. This one is doozy for most, including myself.

I’ve always secretly considered myself the black sheep of my family. While that might sound bad, there’s always been a little piece of me that liked that about myself. Growing up, my sisters blossomed into these beautiful dancers and artists with great taste in clothes, while I was content dressing in basketball shorts, playing sports and the trombone. It became even more apparent in the recent years when my sisters both got married to men and I was elsewhere falling in love with a girl and deciding to tat up my whole left arm in wildflowers. While these things only set me apart a bit from my sisters who shared similar interests, this was really only hard on my mom and dad.

My parents tend to have more traditional, conservative views. The fact is that that’s how they grew up, and how they were raised. They grew up in a world where LGBTQ relationships were unfamiliar and the ‘right’ way to do things was to believe in the Catholic God, go to school, get a degree, get a job, marry into a safe and hetero relationship, and have kids. Tattoos, straying from religion, and a lesbian relationship didn’t exactly fit their vision of the perfect life they had dreamed for me.

I was extremely afraid to tell my parents that I had fallen in love with a girl because I did not want to dissapoint them. Luckily for me, I was so in love with Jenn that there was really nothing that was going to stop me from being with her. The other good news is that I am one of the lucky ones in that when I told my parents that I was in love with a girl, they didn’t disown me or treat me hatefully. However it was very clear that it was a hard and unfamiliar pill for them to swallow, and that caused some tension in our relationship. This had me doubting myself a lot and feeling all the things- anger and sadness towards them, wondering why it was such a big deal to them since I was still just me. More so, I felt guilt and extreme sadness in that I had ripped the hope for a perfect life they had dreamed for me away. I feared that I had permanently damaged our relationship.

Despite all of this I was able to stay true to who I was throughout the process even though it was hard to feel like I had let them down. I was driven by feeling unable to live for someone other than me (even if it was my own parents) and sheer hope that they would still love me even if I was living a life different than what they wanted. And you know what? They do still love me, and we’re in a pretty decent place now. This was done through communication, and allowing a little bit of time to adjust.

Here are the keys to breaking through your familial norms:

1. Come to a place with yourself where you can recognize that you can not and should not live for anyone else, including your family. You get only one life, and you are the one who is living it. Your family or parents may push religion, past times, or values onto you in hopes to get you on the path towards the life they want for you (whether you like it or not) but as intimidating as your family can be, they are still just people- and they will never know you like you know you.
2. After coming to this place with yourself, begin to communicate peacefully and openly with them. The chances are that they will love you no matter what and they’re just worried about you. A little communication will go a long way in helping you and your parents understand both sides. Maintain a balance between understanding their views, while still maintaining who you are. If after communicating with them they still choose to not see past their worldviews and instead choose to treat you with animosity, as an adult you have the right to limit the time you spend with them. You never have to subject yourself to hate just for being who you are- even if they are your family and it’s coming from ‘a good place’ in their minds.

2. Scared to be something other than what is considered ‘trendy’ or ‘in’.

Every day, more and more trends pop up and the idea is often that if you don’t follow the trends, you aren’t as cool or you may even be seen as ‘weird’ or ‘less than’.

The fear of expressing your true self as opposed to abiding by societal trends for fear of being judged is more than understandable, and ties in with that idea of needing to fit in as a human instinct. They may not have had social media in the old days, but there was still fashion and, therefore, things like fashion faux pas. The only difference is that since many people’s lives can be seen online (at least all the good parts), it’s more obvious to see who is following trends and who isn’t.

A more subtle issue that is just as toxic when it comes to following trends, is that if you always follow them too closely you never really get a good idea of what you want. Unless you truly do like what is in season and displaying that part of you is true to who you are, it is likely that you’ve been consumed by fear of not fitting in your whole life that you haven’t even been able to bring yourself to take the time to figure out what’s you. But if you’ve been stuck in this place for most of your life, breaking out of that box may seem impossible and terrifying and ‘it’d just be better to do the easy thing’- which is sticking to the norm versus looking inward and wanting to express who you really are. This is especially hard if you have low self-confidence, as you may not even want to see who you really are.

Here are the keys for breaking through the fear of being you when it does not align with what is ‘trendy’:

1. Improve on your self-confidence. There’s no getting around it as a sturdy self-confidence is a building block in being able to be and show the world who you are, unapologetically. Self-confidence is a long and complex process, for which I am not a professional by any means. That being said, if you’re looking for help with thoroughly building your self-confidence I recommend checking out Nathaniel Branden’s “Six Pillars of Self-Esteem” (you can also listen to his book free on Youtube here). Branden is a professional and lays out in his book how to cultivate positive self-confidence in a way that is easy to understand. Building a sturdy self-confidence takes time and effort, but the outcome will have a lasting and profoundly positive impact on your life, so it’s more than worth it.
2. Remember that trends are but social constructs- following them gives little to no actual indication of who you truly are, even though people may treat you as if it’s the most important part. In the grand scheme of life, staying with what’s trendy and ‘in’ is a small part of you compared to the bigger, more important parts such as how you treat yourself and others. Furthermore, trends are just that- trends. At some point, everything will go out of style and be replaced with the next great thing- so you’re better off just doing you in the end anyway because that act alone will never go out of style.
3. Cleanse your life of toxic energy, specifically that which is centered around people who decide to judge you or treat you differently based on your decision to not follow what is ‘in’. If a friend treats you as if you are less than because you are deciding to march to the beat of your own drum, you have the choice to not spend your time around them. If they were truly your friend, they would accept you no matter who you choose to be and how you choose to express yourself.
4. Finally, from here you can begin the fun part- figure out exactly how you want to express yourself! With no societal barriers, the possibility’s are endless. So have fun with it!

3. Forever people pleasing or living for others.

You may feel barred from living a life that you love because you are stuck living for others, or wanting to please others instead of yourself.

In one case, you may find yourself living for others to find fulfillment in a boost of your self-worth because you’re afraid if you don’t they will like you less, or maybe they’ll be upset if you act the way they want you to. You may think, “If I’m doing what they want me to, they’ll like me better and, therefore, I will like me better.”

Alternatively, maybe you people please because you don’t want to be ‘selfish’ so you fulfill others’ needs instead of your own. This might be justified in your mind as finding fulfillment in being ‘selfless’.

If your primary objective is to live to please others to protect your self-worth and/or catering to others’ needs instead of your own, you will only ever be led down a path of disappointment. You will eventually find that what you do will never feel like it’s enough (you can’t please everyone), leaving you sitting on the back burner riddled with feeling a failure- leading you to then want to please others even more. Additionally, by not taking the time to also care for you, you will eventually find yourself drained and without the energy that you would otherwise have if you were to also consider yourself.

Here is the key to break through the barrier of living for others:

Self-fulfillment is found within yourself, not within the opinions and wants of others.

Living your life with this in mind changes the objective from living to please others, to living to please yourself. I am a huge advocate for this. I do not view this as selfish because I know that if I make sure I’m cared for and providing myself joy, I can then care for others and provide them joy to the best of my abilities. What’s more is that I can not be disappointed with myself because my fulfillment is not based on others’ expectations of me but rather my expectations of myself. I now have control over my own self-fulfillment, instead of leaving it up to others by depending on them to be pleased by me.

All of this is also not to say that you should never do things for others. Sometimes, doing things for others is also doing for yourself! A balance between considering others’ needs in conjunction with your own is imperative. It’s when you begin to leave yourself completely out of the equation and always compromising your happiness for others, that you will fall onto the path of self-destruction.

Final thought: The path towards being you may be a fight, but that doesn’t mean it has to be violent.

At some point in your life, breaking societal norms and deciding to live for yourself will likely cause rifts between you and others. However, it is entirely possible to maintain relationships while still being true to who you are. One easy way to do this is to surround yourself with others who accept you for who you are, with no strings attached. But what about the other people in our lives that don’t treat us this way?

When it comes to the way you interact with others, you can be peaceful and stand your ground at the same time. You can silently choose to ignore or clear toxic people out of your life who decide that you are less than because you choose a different path than them or what they want for you. You can also choose to communicate with them and voice your concern with how they’re treating you. Either way you choose, you can be true to who you are without ever having to bend to a will that is not your own.

Finally, we can often be our own worst enemy (which is why learning to live for ourselves is so tough), therefore the fight happens within you. Therefore, it’s important to treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Maintain that being yourself isn’t easy- it’s a process, and there most likely will be slip-ups. As previously mentioned, what matters most is that you do your best, every day, to bring yourself joy and self-fulfillment.