Anyone who’s been in a relationship that wasn’t a hetero one has most likely experienced some form of homophobia in their life. I remember thinking long before I met Jenn that if I were ever to be in a gay relationship, that I would be able to deal with homophobia just fine. I would just let it roll off my shoulders, no problem.
It was a surprise to me that when it inevitably came time for me to experience homophobia, I didn’t know how to handle it. It didn’t hit me hard in an obvious way… it more chipped away at me. I’d find myself thinking about the same event over and over again, and it ended up having a bigger effect on me than I thought it would. It had me doubting myself, leaving me to wonder if I had the guts to deal with this baggage that came with the territory.
So far I haven’t experienced severe homophobia- no one threw stones at me and my parents didn’t disown me or anything. However, if anything, because of this I’ve learned that even the smallest acts of homophobia can take a toll on someone.
The very first time I experienced homophobia is when Jenn and I were walking through Atlantic City and a woman saw us holding hands. She tried to give us a rosary to ‘bless us for our sins’.
The hardest experience for me to deal with was when I got into an e-mail argument with my extremely religious Aunt. It was about me bringing Jenn to our family Christmas party… my Aunt told me she didn’t want me to bring her. She said she didn’t want her grandchildren witnessing our acts of love, calling them and our ‘sexual actions’ immoral. I stood my ground and brought Jenn anyway. Thankfully, the party went fine.
The bad news is that although the world has made great strides since Stonewall, some people have a hard time dealing with the fact that LGBTQ relationships are here to stay. But the GOOD news is that those in the LGBTQ community have tools that can help us stay as happy and as safe as possible- and they all come from within you.
5 Healthy and Effective Ways to Deal with Acts of Homophobia
Remember it’s their problem- not yours.
When experiencing homophobia, your instincts may point to blaming… you. Emotionally you may feel as though you’re doing something wrong, even if logically you know you’re not.
The truth is that you are not doing anything wrong. If you’re acting with love, you are doing nothing wrong. The one who commits acts of homophobia is probably scared, jealous, angry… you name it. No matter how they’re feeling, if they choose to act with hate, then it’s easy to see that that hate is their problem. It’s a product of their feelings and it holds no truth in who you are.
Have confidence in who you are.
This is often easier said than done. But if you think about it, where do you always have a safe place to go?
You.
You can always return to yourself. You can trust yourself, even when you feel like you aren’t sure what to do. If you know who you are and you can be confident in that person, then no one can touch you. They don’t know you like you know you. Only you know you, just like only you have the power to truly bring yourself down.
Turn to those who support you.
This one has been especially helpful for me. Luckily I am surrounded by a host of extremely supportive friends who have nothing but love for Jenn and I as a couple. Although I can always turn to Jenn for support, sometimes it’s difficult to talk to her about my feelings when dealing with homophobia because I never want her to make her feel guilty.
One support system that’s always had my back especially is my coworker, Daisy. Whenever I would tell her about experiences with homophobic family members, she was always ready to listen to me, defend me, and build me up. She quickly made me feel so much better just by being on my side.
She would say things out loud like, ‘That’s so fucked up.’ Even though I always knew a little bit that that kind of thing is true- it is fucked up- when I would internalize those thoughts they were also at battle with feelings that tried to be more ‘understanding’ and, as a result, unintentionally putting myself last. She was able to voice all of those obvious statements and she spoke them with truth and conviction. By doing that they sounded more truthful, so when I had to rely on myself to cope with the homophobia, her words were the only truth- not the lies disguised as truths that I was telling myself as a result of feeling down about the situation.
Do no harm but take no shit.
I am not one who believes in fighting fire with fire. If I could be a peaceful hippie and live in a commune just minding my own business and trying to make the world a better place in peace, I would. In my opinion, this can get you pretty far. Kill them with kindness, as they say.
Those who act with hate are not worth our time by fighting back with more hostility. All this will do is poison your heart with an equal amount of animosity, which will only hurt you in the long run too. But this doesn’t mean that you just have to let anyone walk all over you. You don’t need to bend to their will as they try to break you down. You can act proudly and fiercely in the face of homophobia by standing up for yourself. A simple, “Well I know who I am and I’m proud of it” can go a long way! Then, if you can, cut them out of your life. You don’t need that bad energy draining the joy out of your life, so don’t be afraid to acknowledge their choices before sending them away with love.
If you can’t completely cut them out, try to limit as much time as you can with them. Then, when you do have to be around them, you can act with kindness while standing tall all at once.
Don’t forget to look back on how far you’ve come- and be proud of it.
This last one pretty much speaks for itself. Each time you experience homophobia and you’re able to deal with it with grace instead of crumbling, you’re becoming stronger. You are choosing an adverse path by being out and open because you know it’s what brings you joy and nothing else matters in the end. That’s a lot to be proud of!
